Did you get married expecting it to look a certain way and then be disappointed when it didn’t?
This is so discouraging and can even put your marriage at risk.
These are the top 3 expectations I had from my wedding that STILL come up for me sometimes and for many of our students as well.
So see if you identify with these unrealistic expectations.
One of the most insidious for me is #1:
1. Doing lots of chores and housework is the way to be a good wife
Early on, I thought my efforts to keep a nice house, cook meals, do his laundry, and make his doctors appointments made me SUCH a good wife.
I was just going to earn so much of his love and appreciation by working hard at home and at work and putting hot meals on the table at dinner time.
Like a wonderful wife really noticed because I rattled those pots and pans every night.
It wasn’t long before I looked like a fridge magnet that a friend got me who had a 1950s housewife holding a pot. He said, “The secret ingredient is outrage.”
This is exactly what went into all the meals I made.
And for some reason, that didn’t give me a grateful kiss and a hug or a pat on the butt, but instead a very distant husband.
He didn’t seem to appreciate everything I did for him at all. I certainly didn’t feel loved or wanted and I couldn’t work more! I was already so tired.
Then I learned about respect and what it really means to a man, which wasn’t what I thought at all, and I started to respect him.
I also learned to express my desires and honor my boundaries. I stopped doing most of chores. He does 90% of everything now, and I’m just grateful and happy and go out to play volleyball or arrange the tea in my tea box or play Wordle on my phone.
Now he’s crazy about me and really appreciates the little things I do around here, which seem like almost nothing.
I’m a high maintenance wife who hasn’t done the dishes or vacuumed in years, and my husband is SO in love with me.
So the idea that I would get love as a result of how much I did was completely unrealistic.
He just loves me anyway I think because I’m so lovable and cute and I let him do things for me and give me presents.
It was not what I expected.
2. Valentine’s Day will be so romantic
Sure it’s only one day of the year, but when it comes to big expectations, Valentine’s Day stands out.
These days I mostly feel like every day is Valentine’s day around here. And John is great he always gets me flowers, chocolates and a card on February 14th. This year I also said “I’ll make us dinner and we can eat together at home.” Which we do most nights anyway.
But this was going to be a “Valentine’s Day dinner”, whatever that means.
But John’s brother was at our house that afternoon, and if it hadn’t been Valentine’s Day, I probably would have said, “Let’s let your brother stay for dinner.” But I felt some pressure that we had to have this romantic dinner as a couple.
Especially since I’m Laura Doyle, relationship expert.
John then took his brother home, which took longer than I expected, and instead of doing my own thing, I waited for him to come home so we could fulfill my expectation that we would have a romantic dinner as a couple!
So by the time he got home I was hungry and ragged and told him I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR HIM ALL THE TIME!
John apologized and said, “Well, I’m here now,” and I thought we’d have a nice Valentine’s dinner together. And I kind of was No. No we are not. It’s too late now. Why are you so late?
So we had a tense meal. It took me the whole meal to cool down.
I remembered my mother on her worst day, even though I’ve been practicing Intimacy Skills for decades, so I didn’t think crazy stupid Valentine’s Day could trip me up like this! But it turns out I’m still a mere mortal woman.
He should know what I want even though I have no idea
I don’t know where I got this idea that if I was unhappy, it was my husband’s job to fix it, but that’s what I thought early on. And I’m not the only one.
A student named Kathryn told me that her birthday was coming up and that her husband always let her down on her birthday. Every year they did nothing fun and her husband seemed to have trouble even recognizing the day.
But when I asked her how she wanted her birthday to be, she struggled. He said, “You know, we were going to do something, go somewhere special!” When I asked her “In what and where?” He did not know.
So I invited her to dream about it and she decided she wanted to go to a nearby beach town for a hike and lunch at a seafood restaurant that had great reviews.
She felt happy just thinking about what a fun day this would be. Then she expressed this wish to her husband.
And this is the key: He did it without expectations.
Just knowing what would make her happy had gone a long way in erasing that feeling of resentment and disappointment she felt.
To her surprise, she found the perfect hike in that town, made a reservation at the seafood place, and loaded up the car to take her there. He also got her some essential oils that he mentioned she would love AND a beautiful necklace that he thought of himself.
Instead of waiting for him to know how to make her happy and then getting angry when he failed, she dug deep to figure out what would make her happy.
Once she knew what to do, she was glad he was her hero.
What expectations is realistic in marriage? It is your birthright as a woman to be loved, cared for and adored! And here we won’t give up until you get all of these.
Even if you don’t expect it.
I’d love to hear how your expectations have served you in your marriage.
By Laura Doyle
