I feel awful when the guy who was tripping over himself trying to help and serve you now only cares about looking at his phone or computer, staying at work all the time, or playing video games.
What a disappointment. You intended to be partners, but he doesn’t do much to contribute, which leaves you with a lot more work to do.
I don’t need to tell you when your husband is unsupportive because you already know you don’t feel supported. The bigger question is, why isn’t it supporting you and what can you do about it?
But first things first. Here are the signs that it is not supported now:
- He doesn’t listen to you
- He doesn’t appreciate what you’re doing
- It doesn’t do what you ask
If you’ve already asked him to be more supportive or told him you need appreciation or help, then what else can you do about it?
Here are 3 effective actions to take if your spouse is not supporting you:
1. Take what it offers
For example, let’s say you have a new baby and you are doing everything for that baby. Your husband washes the baby’s bottles but he doesn’t do a good job.
As a conscientious mom, you’re not okay with giving baby a bottle that hasn’t been properly washed, so you wash it yourself. You also let him know that he needs to be more careful next time.
But there is no next time because he stops washing the bottles.
A new baby takes a lot of time and energy, so you really need support.
An alternative to (re)doing it yourself is to get your husband’s bottle washed with kindness and gratitude.
It’s not perfect. It’s not the way you would do it. But it is an attempt to make your life easier, to lighten your load. It’s one less chore for you.
How you can open your eyes a little wider and get support from your husbandeven if it’s not perfect?
Because when you’re willing to get support, that can be the start of him learning how he can help you even better next time.
Don’t be surprised if those bottles get cleaner when he feels his input is making a difference.
I spoke to a husband who felt so powerless to support his wife with their new baby because he was not allowed to wash the bottles. He looked for his opening to support her, but saw none.
So she felt unsupported and affirmed, and he felt rejected.
You may be asking yourself, what support is my husband offering that I am rejecting? What is the equivalent of washing bottles in your home?
2. Appreciate the Support He Offers
You might be thinking, “At least this guy was offering to wash the bottles. My husband offers no support. It offers zero, zilch, nada,” that’s why you’re reading this blog.
This is a terrible feeling. Who wouldn’t be resentful of not getting any support from the man who promised to take care of you in front of God and everyone?!
One way to reverse this is to look for ways does I support you. Does he work hard to support the family? Is he a father to your children? Does he take out the trash, pick up groceries from the store, or carry them home?
Think very little with me here because even though it may seem like the bare minimum or something he does mostly for himself, identifying and appreciating the things he does and contributes to your life is the key to a much better experience.
One student told me she wasn’t going to parade her husband for helping the kids with their homework.
Similarly, Master Coach Kathy Murray once said she wasn’t going to stroke her husband’s ego by appreciating him. But each decided to experiment with the idea anyway, expressing gratitude to her husband for the way he supported her, even though she didn’t feel like he was doing nearly enough.
Both husbands responded by being much more supportive of their wives when they felt successful in making her happy.
You can see how that would happen, right?
A great place to start is to thank your spouse for working to support the family, even if you do too. It might feel really weird for you to say this, but what can it hurt to experiment and see what happens?
3. Stop criticizing the way he does things
He doesn’t wash the bottles properly or tries to solve things when you just want him to listen or stares at the lawn when you want him to fix the screen.
If you’re anything like me, tell him. You’re just being honest!
But you may also criticize the way he does things. If he’s anything like my husband, he does things differently, not the way you would. Sometimes this seems wrong.
Especially when I’m sure I know what’s best.
But it turns out I don’t always know what’s best. I have been proven wrong on this assumption many times over.
My husband, who has my back and cares deeply about my happiness, is right more times than I care to admit. It ‘s crazy!
In my best moments, I remember it. When I’ve forgotten, it’s a good sign that I need to rest or have fun or talk about girls. A walk around the block is definitely something that reminds me that I only know a little and that I married a really smart guy.
When I open my eyes wide and look for signs that it is supportive now, I see them everywhere.
What signs do you see, no matter how small, that your husband is supportive? I would like to hear…