Last week, I covered the first three of seven misconceptions and false teachings about sex that are still out there from Christian writers and speakers, church leaders, and believers in general. While we can have honest and reasonable disagreements about details, certain principles should be affirmed by all Christians.
The first four principles from last week’s post are:
- Sex is for both of you.
- God created sex for more than reproduction.
- Sex is not just a transaction.
- Force and pressure have no place in the marriage bed.
This week, we’ll cover the last three.
5. Even within marriage, there are some boundaries.
“Anything Goes” is a song written by Cole Porter, not a lyric written by Holy Spirit. And yet, this is the attitude of some Christian bloggers – that once you’re married, you can do anything and everything. As if the words “do” mean “do whatever kinky, crazy I want”.
A certain blogger used Hebrews 13:4 as evidence that all activities were equally good when getting married. In the New King James Version, it says, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled. but God will judge harlots and adulterers.” Thus, the blogger interpreted that the marriage bed is undefiled no matter what happens.
But that’s not what the verse says! A better translation would be any of the following:
- Marriage must be honored by all and the marriage bed kept clean, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (NIV)
- Let marriage be honored among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers. (ESV)
- Give honor to marriage and stay true to each other in marriage. God will surely judge the immoral and those who commit adultery. (NLT)
- Let marriage be honorable to all and the marriage bed undefiled. for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers. (BLB)
Hebrews 13:4 is not about giving the green light to every kinky idea you’ve ever had, but rather keeping the marriage bed clean by avoiding adultery and sexual immorality. Additionally, we need to consider how the rest of the Bible commands us to treat one another in marriage—and that doesn’t include using our spouse as our personal sex plaything.
Which brings me to another fallacy: that if God did not specifically forbid an act, it is automatically spontaneous.
Certainly the Church has at times banned or denigrated a sexual practice that is perfectly fine. And we must not place undue burdens on believers, as the Pharisees did. “Christ set us free for freedom. Stand firm, therefore, and do not allow yourself to be burdened again with a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1).
But later in this chapter, Paul also points out, “You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to please the flesh. rather, serve one another humbly in love» (5:13). We should follow God’s direct commands, but also apply godly principles to determine what can be on our bedroom menu and what should be left out.
We should follow God’s direct commands, but also apply godly principles to determine what can be on our bedroom menu and what should be left out. @hotholyhumorous Click Tweet
1 Corinthians 10:23-24 puts it this way: “I have the right to do anything,” you say — but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything” — but not everything is constructive. No one should seek his own good, but the good of others.”
Faithful Christians can argue about where the boundaries are, but the idea that there is borders should not be more seamless.
6. Porn and erotica are bad.
Here’s another point that should be obvious, but apparently isn’t. Because I’ve read a lot of excuses for engaging in porn or romance – from “it doesn’t hurt anyone” to “we learn from it” to “it helps us turn each other on”. And then there’s the standby claim that porn is a reasonable substitute for when the spouse isn’t having sex, or that amorous behavior is okay because no real persons are involved.
If you want to know what I think about porn and erotica, you can head to any of these:
But the bottom line is that it’s bad for your soul and your marriage. They shift the focus away from your spouse and onto others. They prioritize the physicality of sex over any other aspect. and normalize fringe activities and the search for that next high.
There is a sub-genre of storytelling curiously titled “Christian romance”. All it means is that it has the same purpose and effect as other romances, but the characters are married. Come on! Are we really that gullible? Is it somehow okay to involve others in your exclusive, one-person bedroom if they are also married? Think through this logic and you will find that it is not logical at all.
Plus, porn involves real people getting hurt. Do not mention their willingness, the pay they receive, or “amateur porn” unless and until you have fully researched the high prevalence of abuse, sexually transmitted infections, and sex trafficking. And only because this girl it looks twenty one doesn’t mean it is.
Whether you want to call porn and love sin or not—and I believe it is—it’s definitely not wise. Just ask all the couples who ruined their marriages. Ask couples who have had to walk the journey of rebuilding their intimacy. Ask even non-Christian experts who have researched the subject thoroughly (Open Letter on Porn, The Gottman Institute). And if you’re in a sexless marriage, engaging in porn or romance will make an already difficult situation worse.
7. The Bible is not your boat.
Last but not least, could we please stop using or suggesting the use of a Bible passage as a personal attack on the spouse?
God’s Word certainly has something to say about what sex should look like, as well as what we owe each other in marriage. But the Bible is God’s love letter to you—not His decree against your wife. The primary goal of reading scriptures should be to apply them to our own sinful lives.
So what does one hope to gain by taking out scriptures and hurling them at our spouse? Is it our defense mechanism? Do we break out to make our spouse feel pain like we do? Or do we just expect our spouse to be in so much pain that they will change to avoid it more? Even if that were the case, how would that improve your overall intimacy?
Let’s take the most common offense in the field of sex: use 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 demand your spouse have sex with you. Want to see how this blogger feels?
me basically like this passage because it is NOT about obligation but the priority and reciprocity of sexual intimacy. But you have to understand its context.
At that time, some Christians in Corinth had declared celibacy the holiest state, so husbands tried to avoid sex to be more spiritual. Instead of agreeing, the apostle Paul reaffirms that God wants married couples to make love regularly, that sex is a critical part of marriage, that we should not deprive each other as if it were a superior form of obedience when God himself created sex for marriage! That Paul does not offer husbands a beating, but affirms God’s invitation for couples to enjoy sexual intimacy with gratitude, not guilt.
In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Paul does not offer spouses a beating, but affirms God’s invitation for married couples to enjoy sexual intimacy with gratitude, not guilt. @hotholyhumorous Click Tweet
But suppose your husband is dead wrong—in this or in something else—and needs conviction from the Holy Spirit. You still can’t be the one to judge. As Christ said, “Let he who is without sin among you be the first to cast a stone at her” (John 8:7, ESV).
What you can do instead include:
But please don’t use God’s words like Thor’s hammer on your husband. No matter how right you are in what is being said, how you say it means a lot to our Heavenly Father.
So here is the full list of the seven principles we Christians must affirm (and teach) about sex:
- Sex is for both of you.
- God created sex for more than reproduction.
- Sex is not just a transaction.
- Force and pressure have no place in the marriage bed.
- Even within marriage, there are some boundaries.
- Porn and erotica are bad.
- The Bible is not your boat.
You can also check out the Sex Chat for Christian Wives episode The foundations of sexual intimacy.
Don’t forget to check out the cruise!
