Research shows that open communication is the best predictor relationship satisfaction. But when you’re rushing to work, working a full day, picking up the kids from school, and then going to soccer practice, who has time for a meaningful conversation? Our schedules can be relentless!
An open, honest discussion about your relationship may be the last thing you want to do at the end of a long day. And when you finally do sit down to talk with your partner, you may find yourself nodding and saying “a-ha” more than staying present. While a half-hearted response is understandable, it does not promote connection or closeness, nor does it address unresolved conflicts.
So, how can you create better communication in the midst of a busy life?
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
The first step to better communication in marriage and love
First, you need to look at your communication with your partner honestly. Too often, we tolerate disrespect (no matter how small) or emotional distance from our partner, which can become damaging relationship habits.
Consider your relationship challenges.
- Is there a lack of communication with your partner?
- Do you end up fighting every time you try to talk?
- Are finances and budgeting common topics of disagreement?
- What are your communication problems?
- When do you connect best and really communicate?
- How long has it been since you really felt heard and understood by your partner?
- Are you working through conflicts to a resolution agreement?
- Is the majority of your communication strictly logistical?
- Do you often approach your partner with complaints?
- Do you, your partner, or both of you lack communication skills?
For example, a common problem with couples is pretending to listen to their partner. However, when you pretend to listen, your partner is not going to feel heard. Nobody likes a half-assed listener! And you’ll miss important things they’re trying to share.
Another common problem for couples is competing to meet their love needs. For example, if you are very tired, your need to sleep may interfere with your partner’s need to talk or be intimate. When your needs compete with your partner’s, true connection is not possible.
The key to healthy—and engaging—communication is to be intentional about creating opportunities for meaningful connections. With busy schedules, carving out quality time to talk with your partner is vital.
Related reading: “Interruption, decline, and the role of successful communication in relationships.”
Communication is the key in a loving relationship
Many people would tell you that they are good communicators. often, this is not accurate. Then you add strong emotions and conflict to the mix and communication often breaks down. Combine cognitive biases and childhood conditioning factors, and it’s rare for a couple to communicate effectively.
Excellent communication is a skill. And like any skill, it can be strengthened through practice.
Three tips for better communication in your relationship
Mindfully communicating with the three tips below allows you to practice awareness and stay present with your partner. These simple mini-skills can help you improve the communication channels between you and your partner to create (or enhance) a happy, healthy relationship.
TIP 1: Make communication a daily ritual
The best way to strengthen your communication skills is to practice them regularly. Experts at the Gottman Institute recommend taking time to connect with your partner dailyinstead of going through the motions on “relationship autopilot.”
Don’t just talk to your partner –COMMUNICATE with their. As you talk, listen, and spend time with your partner each day, commit to being more present in the moment. This means choosing times when your phones are silenced and put away.
Give your partner yours full attention. Listen carefully instead of just nodding as you play badminton with thoughts about work or the kids or what you’re going to make for dinner. Your partner will be able to feel the difference between a thoughtful conversation and one that is on autopilot, and this small difference can help you feel loved and understood.
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TIP 2: Help your partner feel heard by expressing empathy
Receiving empathy is a human need. We might assume that empathy comes naturally, but we are not born empathic, emotionally intelligent, or resilient—we I’m learning how can it be so!
Answer the challenges with empathy it takes practice. Fortunately, empathy is a habit you can develop and strengthen every day. Every time you interact with your partner, you have the opportunity to choose understanding over indifference, engagement over passivity. Set it up intention (ie, make a careful choice) to express empathy to your partner in your everyday conversations.
The two critical steps to developing empathy, according to UC Berkeley, are radical listening and vulnerability. Radical listening it means actively choosing to be attentive and present as your partner speaks (as we said in the first tip!) and vulnerability it means having the courage to open up to your partner about your feelings. The combination of these two skills includes our capacities for empathy, and we need to strengthen both to cultivate empathy in our relationship.
Related reading: “How to use empathy to strengthen your marriage“
TIP 3: Release judgment while listening to your partner
We all know how frustrating it is to sit down for a serious conversation with your partner, only to see them shut down or have nothing to say. Nothing stifles open dialogue faster than judgment and criticism.
Creating a safe space for your partner is vital and encourages them to open up and share.
Choose to see your partner and their needs in a positive light. Be curious and suspend judgment when faced with a challenge. You can use a loving-kindness mindfulness practice to create positive feelings towards them.
To get in the right mindset, it’s helpful to remember specific things you love about your partner. Connecting to happy memories and recalling endearing qualities enables you to unfold a more authentic experience and bring out the best in your partner.
Related practice: “3 Important Lessons for Conscious Communication“
See for yourself the results of conscious communication!
Strengthening communication skills in your relationship will help you build a stronger foundation. As a result, you will feel more connected to your partner and your relationship will become more resilient to setbacks.
Mindful communication gives you the tools needed to face relationship challenges with empathy and respect. When you are connected and united as a couple, you can face any difficulties together with confidence.
If you’re ready to take the next step toward learning and practicing empathy, check out Heartmanity’s Real empathy, real solutions. Or contact us about our premarital coaching and marriage coaching programs today.
Transforming relationships is our job!
