There are many practical ways to improve communication, so this pain point can be alleviated. We can clean up your communication and get rid of the misfortunes that have plagued your marriage.
Below I will share several effective communication techniques to help you and your spouse have less tension and fewer arguments and feel more connected.
Why is it like that;
When you’re dating, it’s easy to see the possibilities of our future together. Things are looking bright and promising. And the differences between you and your partner don’t seem so great. Even if they do, it’s okay, everyone knows that opposites attract! But once we enter married life, the differences seem to increase while the similarities recede. We have to talk about budgets, bills, and the like, and we see each other all the time, not just on pre-planned or cleaned-and-dressed-for-date-nights.
One more thing…
We should also mention the distractions. Maybe your calendar is full of your kids’ extracurriculars or your own hobbies. Then there are the not-so-fun things you just have to deal with together. Talking about the budget probably doesn’t bring that love feeling, but you have to talk about it sometimes.
Plus, we have to mention the phones! Since he obeys your every wish and search command, it’s easier to deal with a screen than with your real husband, who has his own opinions and ideas and may not agree on what to eat for dinner or what show to watch to watch. So it’s easier to go your own way, find your own entertainment, and not spend the time and energy needed to listen to each other and come to a compromise.
In light of all this, here are 3 effective tips to help you communicate more – and better – than you currently are.
#1 Points of contact – make them and then get them!
Touch points are times intentional connection with your husband. It’s not something new to add, rather it’s moments you can find in your everyday life that you just haven’t taken advantage of.
Things like folding laundry, walking the dog, or doing the dishes side by side so you can get the job done in half the time while you bond with each other. It’s pouring your spouse a cup of coffee and sharing coffee time together before starting your day, or sitting for 10 minutes together once you get home from a busy day.
Maybe you’re both used to scrolling through your phone separately. Instead, take 15 minutes to share what you’re watching or scroll – catch up on what’s new, funny or interesting online. Find a time in your existing schedule when you can intentionally build your connection and closeness. Some couples do this by showering together, rather than alone, which can have the added benefit of setting the stage for some intimate action!
What touchpoints can you find in your day?
#2 Then when you do, use this tool without fail
When you find time to talk, it’s worth it. You want to reduce misunderstandings and tension. You want to listen to each other and connect more during your time together. It is so painful when one or both spouses feel unheard or misunderstood, but it can also be completely avoided!
The best way we have found to do this is by using Stop-Look-Listen. How? Simple: the answer is right there in the name!
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To stop. When your spouse wants to talk, stop whatever else you’re doing. Turn off the TV, close the laptop, put down the phone or step away from unloading the dishwasher. In short, stop whatever you’re paying attention to to give them your full attention. If you need a few minutes to finish first, let them know and then continue. If you say you need 5 minutes, set a timer so you keep your word and stick to 5 minutes.
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I hear. Hear to hear; not to answer. Really try to understand where they are coming from and what is in their hearts and minds. Don’t spend time while they are talking formulating your answer. Instead, respond by reflecting what you heard them say. Clarify to avoid assumptions or mishearings. Then it’s your turn to answer!
This tool helps you align non-verbally with your words. It lets your husband know that you are paying attention and that you really value his words and presence. It shows that they matter to you and are worth your time and attention, which helps build goodwill and connection between you. This, in turn, helps you assume the best and see the good in each other.
#3 What boundaries will help you feel heard?
Now take a look at the distractions we discussed earlier. Who distracts you from feeling connected? What boundaries can you set together to master these distractions? For example, don’t take out your phones when you’re in the car together. It can be easy to remove a seat belt when you are in the passenger seat. But if you both agree to stay off the phone during this time, it can become a point of contact when you share a conversation and connection.
Consider the timeline. What are the best and worst times to talk? Make sure you both know this and avoid adding unnecessary tension by simply choosing more opportune times to talk. If my husband wants to talk early in the morning, he knows I’m not really myself until coffee. Or if it’s rush hour before dinner and the kids are buzzing in and out of the room, we both know we can’t really hear each other. Some couples share that they are committed to scheduling conversations in person, rather than over the phone or via text. That way they are really in tune with each other when they talk.
You have a communication problem that a simple limit can help fix it? If so, start that conversation today! For more practical help on doing this, check out our Boundaries of Marriage Workbook.
Would you like more effective tools to help you break bad communication habits? Join the free live webinar “7 Communication Mistakes Couples Make in Marriage” with Dr. Kim Kimberling, and learn to avoid these common mistakes and take communication from a pain point to a positive one in your marriage.
In the webinar, Dr. Kim will cover:
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Three questions you *must* ask yourself before you speak
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Reasons why your spouse did not listen to you, even though you said it
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The most common communication mistakes couples make and how to fix them.
