I think I was born looking forward to the honeymoon. As a 20 year old, I couldn’t wait until the vows were over. Then, on our wedding night, Nancy did something in the bedroom that blew my mind: She invited me to kneel by the bed and pray with her.
This wasn’t something we had talked about, and I certainly didn’t expect it, but it actually set the pattern that we continued to follow for 95% of our married nights together.
Inviting God into the bedroom may sound crazy, but since God created you, your future spouse, and sex, He knows better than you all that He has for you in this area.
So how can you set your marriage up for amazing sex even before the I Dos?
Many different things affect the way you view sex and your own sexuality. Very few of us are able to embrace sex as a gift from God and see it fully in that light. We have been corrupted, tarnished and lied to. Our culture throws sex at us everywhere we look, and it’s not packaged the way God intended it to be. As a society, we are a sexual mess.
Then we have the male/female differences, which can be difficult to understand. God made us different as male and female. There is a reason we are different in our sexuality. Not only does it make it more interesting, but it also adds a depth to the sexual relationship that is different from the rest of God’s creatures. Asking good questions is the first step in learning to understand and accept each other, differences and all.
For Christian couples pursuing sexual purity before marriage, it can sometimes seem taboo to talk about your future sex life, but I encourage engaged couples to discuss it. After 40 years of counseling pre-marital and married couples, I have seen this area traveled by far too many couples. Getting on the same page is a great benefit for both of you and a great way to start your marriage off on the right foot.
Ask your future spouse these questions to start preparing for marriage.
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In general, are you comfortable or uncomfortable talking about sex?
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What was the first sex-related question you remember asking your parents? How did they react?
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How did you learn about sex? What did they teach you about it?
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What did you learn about the sex you were? not taught, but discovered after all?
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Growing up, did you have anyone you felt comfortable asking questions about sex? Who was it? What made this person easy to talk to?
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What are you looking forward to in our married sex life?
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What concerns do you have about our married sex life?
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On a scale of 1 to 10, how important should a sexual relationship be in a Christian marriage?
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How often do you think we’ll have sex once we’re married?
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What events from your past have affected your sexual behavior and attitudes?
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What movies or books etc. have they affected your attitudes and beliefs about sex?
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Is it hard for you to think of sex as a gift from God?
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What reliable sources can we turn to for help with this? (You can listen to Awesome Marriage Podcasts on Sex & Intimacy for biblical advice on the topic) (LINK)
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What sexual baggage, if any, do you have? (Make sure you share all of this with your fiance. If you’ve had sex, done other sexual things, or had rude and unfair things done to you sexually – your fiance needs to know.)
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Will we commit as a couple to talking about our sexual relationship throughout our marriage?
I remember: God is a God of forgiveness. God should not hold your past sexual sins against you, nor should your fiancé/spouse or anyone else. You are righteous and good in God’s eyes because Jesus died for you.
If you have been sexually abused, I recommend that you seek counseling to deal with it if you haven’t already. What happened to you is in no way your fault. Healing can come from healthy processing of what was done to you. I know it can be hard to talk about, but at some point when you can process it and process it through a gospel lens, you’ll be glad you did.
