14 Ways Couples Stay Connected

A declining sexual relationship can be one of the most difficult challenges of a long-term relationship. However, while it is a common issue, some couples remain sexually satisfied or manage to maintain their chemistry. What do couples who report being sexually satisfied understand? What do they do that allows them to connect so easily?

Let’s explore some of the basic principles that most healthy loving couples share in long-term relationships:

1. They talk about sex: Both people are comfortable talking about sexuality in general. Any person can easily bring up needs, wants and desires as well as fears, dislikes and frustrations. Sex can be easily discussed like any other topic and it does not create tension or stress between them.
2. They don’t focus on imperfections: They tend not to have major incompatibilities and are able to handle any minor incompatibilities. They don’t allow these incompatibilities to become the focus of how they relate. Instead, mismatches become part of the experience and they learn to deal with them. For example; if a person has a greater desire for more frequent sexthey work around this match without letting difference take over.
3. They are present during sex: Both people are able to embody love and be present in their own bodies during sex. Erotic embodiment means feeling connected, comfortable and aware of the body sexually. There is also an ability to promote it when you interact with each other. Each person can leave other distractions of life and be with each other.
4. They are open to trying new things: Both are willing to explore unknown options in their sexual experiences and take the risk of discovering something new outside of their routine. fully aware that this new path runs the risk of embarrassment or not knowing exactly what to do. This fear “getting it wrong”, exploring something that didn’t work or being embarrassed doesn’t hold them back.
5. They make sex a priority: There is great value in sexual connection and there is an overall incentive to stay romantically connected. Both feel that sex matters and feel that sexual intimacy distinguishes “this relationship” from other relationships in their lives.
6. They know how to proceed with sex: There has been a creation of rites or rituals that allow them to enter a sexual space together. Rituals stand as a clear dividing line between the non-sexual moving towards sex. This is different from the initiation of sex, it is a change that occurs before initiation. It’s a look, a touch, a tone of voice that says, “Okay, tonight,” “Yes, I want to be together.” They welcome routines, predictable codes, and signs of availability as subtle signs that sex will happen.
7. They don’t think maintenance sex is a chore: It has been a mutual agreement that there should be enough maintenance sex. Healthy loving couples have made the transition from passionate and spontaneous lustful sex to purposeful sexuality, and they treat purposeful sexuality as creative work—rather than a chore. Both people are willing to engage in sex when they are not “really” turned on, knowing that the connection will feel good once they start having sex. They feel that sexual connection will feel good and encourage themselves to enter the erotic space. More on that here.
8. They are receptive to each other: Initiating sex is easy for both people – there is interest and motivation on both sides to be sexually involved together, and both people feel comfortable making the first move. This is true regardless of how the first move is made. For example, in couples who like to play with power dynamics, even though the dominant person will make more decisions about what happens during the actual game, both people can invite each other into the game.
9. They are comfortable setting boundaries: There is freedom in the relationship to say no to sex without feeling rejected. Saying ‘no’ to sex just means – ‘not now’ or ‘not tonight’ – but it could easily mean ‘yes’ at another time or ‘yes’ to another way of connecting.
10. They maintain a sense of admiration for each other, not just respect: They see the other person fully as the other. There is a deep respect for freedom and otherness. They respect and can delicately balance between cohesion and autonomy.
11. They want their partner to be happy: They are able to enjoy the happiness of another even if it has nothing to do with them. They do not feel left out or hurt if the other enjoys individual success or receives praise or attention.
12. They have realistic expectations: They don’t buy into the romantic idea of ​​”you’re the only one who does everything for me – all the time.” They also have a level of understanding and awareness that his love energy is everywhere and permeates the relationship without creating problems. That is, acknowledging attraction to others is acceptable. There is room for each person to be activated by their own love interest.
13. They respect each other’s privacy: Both people respect each other’s romantic privacy and understand that there are parts of each other’s inner world that the other doesn’t have access to and that’s okay. There is a sense of respect and trust in each other’s private inner world.
14. They ask questions instead of judging each other: There is no major judgment about who the other person is and how they go about their daily lives, which allows for a general sense of flow. There is a clear sense of connection and fluidity energetically between the two people. That is, there is ease in the way they move, speak, and interact in the world when with each other because they honor and embrace who the other is.

Are there aspects missing from this list?

Did you read this list and feel that you are missing some key qualities that allow sexual satisfaction to flow easily between you and your partner? You are not alone! Many people report sexual dissatisfaction in their relationship.

What are we doing now?

There may be other ways of connecting that are not listed, but if you want to improve some of these points, the first step would be to identify from the list above ways that you and your partner want to improve. For example, let’s say it’s the first point – when you’re your partner has some alone time, ask them why they feel it’s so hard for the two of you to openly discuss sex. Be open to what they say and see if you can also share why it’s difficult for you. Tip: it can be very helpful here to share something about how you were raised to think and talk about sex. Often, the struggle to openly discuss sexual matters began very early in life with subliminal messages that sex is private and shameful. Just by discussing why it’s difficult, you start the process.

With pleasure,

Keeley

Also posted on BetterSexEd.org

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