Originally published on December 8, 2020. Updated on December 21, 2023
How to have a good vacation with a bad marriage
Things have not been good between you for some time. And now the holidays are coming. Surviving the holidays with marital problems can be daunting. But here are 11 critical tools that might come in handy.
Manage irony with your partner
You may both feel suffocated by aggressive emotionalism that will clash with the real stress of your real life.
Compromise. Call a truce for a specific period of time.
Unless you both decide otherwise, feeling angry, isolated, and disconnected during an otherwise happy time is icing on the cake.
If you have children, your main task is to focus on managing their memories this holiday season.
Have firm agreements and boundaries with your spouse about what you both will and won’t do during the Holidays. Stay connected with each other through your specific agreements. Focus on collaboration instead of control.
If it helps, agree on a clear start and end date for your holiday deals. Do it for your children and other family members. Call a truce…but support your spouse. Listen to each other. Instead of driving with what you demand of them, ask them what they will need you first.
Brainstorm known stressors
Don’t overdo things. Ask for help if needed. Don’t allow yourself to get tired, irritated or overwhelmed. If visiting family is a known stressor, agree ahead of time on how you’ll both deal with it. You may need to rehearse and plan for predictably irritating relatives. Make sure you have a friend to complain to… but don’t complain about your marriage.
Be here now
Every moment try to have a good time regardless of the circumstances. Vacations can offer dozens of fun little distractions. Hug them. Be grateful for the little pleasures with your children, your family, perfect strangers…and maybe even, occasionally, your partner.
Surviving the holidays means taking care of yourself first
Keep your own company
The holidays are about spending time with family, but you’re going to need some “Me Time” very. Try to find time alone to journal, reflect on what you want, who you want to be… and the gap between that aspiration and your current circumstances.
Prayer and meditation would be very helpful if you are so inclined. But at least spend some time with yourself and think about what you want Instead. Remind yourself that… and this shall pass.
Engage in a high degree of self-care
If you drink too much or eat too much, it can become harder to hold up your end of the bargain.
Holiday Cheer is for people who have something to do celebrate. You have something to are managed.
Be intentional. Set appropriate boundaries for yourself. Watch your drink. You both want to be on your best behavior leading up to the New Year.
Have an honest conversation with your partner about how you can both avoid using too much alcohol as a stress reliever
Find reasons to be thankful
The holidays are often a time of gratitude and reflection. Your current problems are no reason to ignore the relationships and circumstances in your life that are positive and nurturing.
Be kind to yourself and others and humble in your expectations. Enjoy the happiness and anticipation of your children.
Surviving the holidays also means monitoring your automatic thinking
Be skeptical of yourself
Couples in trouble usually think the worst of each other. Keep in mind that the Holidays will provide plenty of opportunities to fulfill your partner’s worst fears…and vice versa.
But it’s also an opportunity to make improvements that may well be dictated by necessity.
Try to be extra patient and considerate this holiday season and model that for your husband. Be less quick to judge and maybe not be judged so harshly in return. For now it’s a truce. Make the most of it.
Lower expectations
It is appropriate to have standards and expectations. But try not to worry too much about what you’re doing “must” to feel, think or do. You may want to put certain aspects of your normal vacation routine on cruise control or delegate it to a trusted family member. Taking care of yourself is your first priority.
Notice what works… and express your appreciation
It can be a challenge, but when your partner is helpful, express appreciation. Remember that you are both managing a very difficult situation. Find ways to show their appreciation when they live up to their end of any deal you’ve made to spend the holidays.
Exercise some self-control
If you tend to escalate with your spouse… make escalation the enemy for now. Surviving the Holidays means taking time as needed. Now is not the time to lose your Christmas cookies.
Breathe. Be brief…and stick to the business at hand.
Remember you can always come back “the” later, but for now, you make memories For and with your children.
You know you can do better. And you will.
Be flexible
Don’t worry if you have a pressing need to do the Holidays differently this year. Remember the ultimate goal, to get through it with minimal drama and conflict. Focus on the possible…not the perfect. Be happy with a well-set one “good enough” Public holiday.
Final thoughts on surviving the holidays with marital issues
Whether or not couples therapy is something you’re willing to try next year, give yourself some credit for doing your best to make the holidays enjoyable for your kids and extended family.
But it’s not just about your kids and family. It’s your wedding too.
It takes courage and fortitude to plow through the holidays while you have unresolved marital issues.
This may be the first time in a while that you and your partner have worked together in relative harmony, for a common purpose.
If they held up their end skillfully, don’t be stingy with your praise.
Both of you will be working incredibly hard to give your children and extended family Happy Holidays in 2021.
Your kids probably know that all is not well between you…but here’s another way to look at it.
Surviving the holidays with marital problems is also a model of determination, teamwork, self-sacrifice, conflict management, resilience, respect and goodwill for their.
And that will stay in their little socks a lot longer than you think.
Happy Holidays…and get some good couples therapy in the New Year.
