I have written and spoken extensively about what a wife can do to improve sexual intimacy in her marriage, including ways to redefine what sex means to her, to get into the mood, and off to a good start. But today, I wonder what he can do during sex to ensure that things go smoothly and to receive the pleasure and intimacy he desires.
While “sex” can be defined broadly, in this post, I’m dealing with the experience of foreplay, arousal, and then — at some point — intercourse.
1. Search for the pregame you want
Kissing. Undressing. Caressing. More kisses. Breast stimulation. Manual game. Oral sex. Whatever gets your engine humming, ask for it. (Caveat: whatever item you ask for should already be on the menu you’ve decided on together.) Let your man know what you want, why you like it, and when you’re ready to move on.
I just hear too many wives who want more foreplay before intercourse and don’t feel comfortable asking for it. Or they asked, and he doesn’t seem to listen because you told him once and he changed for the next couple of sex encounters, but now he’s back to his old ways and because he doesn’t like foreplay as much as you do, and… Except that all of us we tend to need a lot of reminders before we change ingrained habits. So gently alert your husband again of your need and desire for adequate and passionate foreplay.
2. Share your body
Speaking of arousing you, it’s not helpful to suggest that he rev your engine but not give him full access under the hood, so to speak. Deep sexual intimacy requires vulnerability, and that means giving your partner access to see and touch your body. If you’re not ready for the revelation of bright lights, try dim lighting with a lamp, maybe even a colored lamp, candlesthe string lights.
But also exercise. Let him touch where you like to be touched. Open your legs (no more penny between the knees, ladies! ~smile~). Share your body with your lover. (See Tips for Confidently Revealing All About Your Spouse.)
Need more inspiration? Go re-read the Song of Songs 4:1-7 and 7:1-9.
3. Explore His Body
You are not the only one with interesting places. Your husband’s manly body is worth exploring, from his strong jaw to his hard cock and everything in between. Take time to caress his body and ask him what feels good. Take care of those places you like the most and those places he loves to be touched.
You may already feel comfortable touching parts outside of his genitals. But also, get comfortable with his cock. Learn how to handle his testicles (hint: gently, gently). Massage the perineum—the stretch of skin between his scrotum and anus—which can feel good for his prostate.
You don’t have to do all of this on the first day, but start exploring and you might find a new appreciation for that man you married. And for inspiration on that front, take a look Song of Songs 5:10-16.
4. Focus on stimulation
His, yours, both…yes. But focus on your senses so you know what’s happening, what feels good, and how your mind and body are reacting. If you get distracted, just let the distraction pass and then focus on making love. (See Mindfulness and Meditation During Sex.)
Breathe deeply. Relax. Enjoy the senses. Enjoy the pleasure.
5. Get into position
Hopefully the two of you have talked about sex positions before you hit the bedroom for a sexual encounter that requires you to choose one. But among your options, you should communicate which ones you want to try today. And then get into that position and adjust until you’re ready to try intercourse.
6. Check your body’s response
Before it goes in, check if your body is really ready for it. Yes, that’s what it means tap down there. This is increasingly important from perimenopause onwards as our estrogen declines and our bodies can become less cooperative with swelling and lubrication.
A wife may think she is fully aroused and in a hurry to leave, only to discover later that her lips are not sufficiently swollen and/or the lubrication is insufficient for penetration to feel good. Your labia should swell up to 2-3 times their normal size and things should be pretty slippery down there. You or your partner may want to use a finger or two to draw some of your natural lubricant from inside the vagina (just a little at the opening) and spread it on the outer vulva.
If you’re not ready, engage in more foreplay and/or add personal lubricant to better prepare for entry. You won’t feel good if you’re not ready, so take the time to make sure you are.
7. Drive him in
While intercourse seems simple enough with tab A going into slot B, many positions don’t allow either of you to actually see how penetration is happening. And it’s important that your husband enters at the correct entry point and angle. So why not guide him?
You can move the head of his penis to where it would be best for him to enter and/or you can spread your vaginal opening out a little so that the entry point is easier for him to find. If things feel slightly off, use your words and/or hands to adjust so that the moment his cock enters your vagina, it’s not a thrusting experience, but rather a satisfying feeling of being joined and filled.
8. Optimize your location
Once he’s in, you may want to modify your body position to make sure his thrust hits your good spots. Tilt your hips forward or back to change the angle and/or add friction from the base of his penis to the bulb of your clitoris. Raise or cross your legs to get new sensations or change tightness. grab pillows –especially a wedge pillow—and place it under your bottom or hips (depending on your position) to lift yourself up toward him or take some of the tension off your muscles.
Of course, if the general position you’re in doesn’t suit you, suggest another one! You can always change the sex positions during the flow. Feel free to experiment and see what works for both of you.
9. Be fully involved
Since you are in the throes of love, you might think: How more fully can a wife participate?! But let’s face it – most ladies can multitask even during sex. We can enjoy what is happening, but also wonder:
- How do I look? Does he notice my extra pounds? Is my facial expression twisted?
- I wish he would push a little harder. Should I tell him this? Or will it sound weird?
- God, I just growled. Not very feminine.
- What does my husband think? Is he just on the physical side or does he really feel connected to me right now?
- Will I orgasm this time? I hate when I’m almost there but can’t get over the hump.
You may need to practice focusing and refocusing during sexual intimacy. (See #4 above!) But one way to help this is to give yourself full permission and encouragement to BE who you are right now.
Forget what you look like. They make noise. Grab his bum, squeeze and pull him deeper. Ask for what you want. One-word instructions can work particularly well (eg ‘harder’, ‘softer’, ‘faster’, ‘slower’). Put his hands or mouth where you want. Make direct eye contact. Say his name.
While you may feel self-conscious about doing things like this at first, it’s actually very stimulating for your partner to be great at it. There’s even research that shows it her the noise helps him climax. But expressing yourself keeps your attention there and helps you enjoy it more.
10. Indulge in Afterglow
What happens after sex can add to or detract from what happened during sex. If you finish and say, “Well, that’s it,” get up and use the bathroom, then move on, what impression have you made on your husband? Conversely, if you finish and say “I love you,” then pull your sweetheart close and cuddle for a few minutes, what impression have you left? Clearly, the second option speaks of love in a way that the first does not.
This doesn’t mean your glow has to look like what I’ve described. You might cuddle for a while after sex, sit and talk, watch a show together to spend more time snuggling, be playful with jokes and flirting, shower together, or fill the void. But taking a few minutes to extend the closeness you felt during sex can make a difference in how you feel about physical intimacy itself.
Here they are: 10 things you, a woman, can do to help your sex life go well. Trust me, I’m rooting for you! And may you and your husband experience the one-flesh intimacy that God intends for you to have.
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